Outwardly, I was everything a well brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming.

This is exactly the way I felt this afternoon. It's not the first time. But it's one of the times. I was talking to Jam last week and we somewhat share the same sentiments. I'm not sure what exactly it is for her that makes her feel "captive", but for me it's being here. And by here, I don't mean the country (although that may be part of it). I think it's more the society into which I was born. The people who surround us. When I'm here, I feel like I don't have a choice. Like I just follow my parents around blindly. To party after party with relatives they (not me) have chosen to stay in touch with.

This morning, my mom asked, "Are you coming to the dinner tonight?" To which I replied, "Do I have a choice?" She just laughed. Obviously I didn't.

So this afternoon, we were at yet another Chinese restaurant. With people who talk like they know everything, as if they assume everyone thinks the same way they do... dominating the conversation, if only for the reason that reasoning out with them or calling them out will have no effect whatsoever. Sometimes you want to speak up, but you know your voice will just be drowned out anyway.

So you can imagine how refreshing it was when my cousin, after my uncle threatened him about something, said "That's bullshit." Haha. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know my siblings feel the same, but it just doesn't affect them as much. But we just keep quiet. And smile.

And don't forget to kiss the uncles and aunties. And say thank you for the money they gave you this christmas. Because that's what good children do.

I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it... an endless parade of
parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches... always the same narrow
people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great
precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even
noticed.

2 comments:

  1. nice post. sometimes i feel the same way too. you know the cure is to do something wild but do it secretly. (like wearing neon green socks! you rebel you!)

    dave matthews said: "and all the little ants are marching / red and black antennas waving / they all do it the same / they all do it the same way."

    he's talking about us.

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  2. i read your comment this morning first thing when i woke up. made me laugh out loud.

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